A Sister's Journey
by cheersdarling123
Summary: Life is complicated, especially when you're a social worker...and the daughter of the Police Commissioner, the youngest of 5, and the sister to an ADA and two of NYPD's finest. Follow Madelyn Reagan on her journey, from love and loss, to everything in between.
1. Chapter 1

_I do not own any Blue Bloods characters or scenes from the show. The character of Madelyn is my own._

 **Xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Madelyn Reagan smiled widely. Today was the day her older brother Jamie graduated the Police Academy and officially took his place on the beat at the 12th Precinct. Madelyn and Jamie had always been close, being the two youngest in the family almost forces that upon you. Her sensitive nature yet fierce loyalty matched his quiet thoughtfulness and tenacity. Jamie had three years on her, and he never let her forget it.

When Jamie had chosen to join up instead of being the lawyer their mom had always wanted him to be, Madelyn simply smiled, hugged him when he announced it at Sunday dinner, and let the rest of the family discuss it at length. Danny had been shocked, mostly, to see his twenty-five year old sister so quiet during a pivotal moment in Jamie's life, considering Madelyn and Jamie were always vocal about the other. _Very vocal_ , he mused, _especially when it came to their dating lives_. When Danny saw that smile wobble, just a tad, he knew; he knew exactly what the kid was doing – supporting her big brother even though another part of her foundation had just cracked. Madelyn had been just as close to Joe as Jamie had been, and his death had shattered her, and now another brother was going to risk his life. Family first, the Reagan motto; but apparently, Madelyn thought at dinner that night, maybe that wasn't entirely true.

Jamie found the family after the ceremony, all of them sporting proud grins while he was beaming with excitement. His little sister was happy that he had finally found his calling, that he would be making a difference daily in the lives of New York City residents and tourists; there was a also a dark feeling sitting in her chest that made her breath catch from time to time. Like today, right now. _Joey should be here_ , the voice in her brain kept repeating, _he would've been ecstatic. Does no one else notice? Does no on else miss the jokes he would've been cracking, the noogie he would've inevitably given Jamie?_ She glanced at Danny and Erin, who were happily chatting with Jamie, no noticeable tension in their bodies. Maybe she was the only one who felt this tornado of emotions, and in that moment she felt lonelier than she had in a long time.

Madelyn Reagan smiled widely. She was proud and terrified simultaneously, knowing once more things in the Reagan family were about to change.

 **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Her shoulder length brown hair was pulled back haphazardly, papers were scattered everywhere on her desk, and the two empty cups of coffee next to her showed what kind of day it was for Madelyn Reagan, Social Worker at Child Protective Services.

Madelyn put her head in her hands, pressing her palms into her eyes. She just returned to the office from a home in the Bronx – home being a very loose term for what she witnessed. She knew what would have to happen – the adorable four year old would have to be removed from that unsupervised, neglectful, moldy apartment. _This job never got any easier_.

The boy's dark brown eyes had touched something inside her, almost bringing tears to her eyes when she saw the conditions he was living in. Madelyn had to maintain her anger at the boy's mother, though, as was her job, even though she wanted to yell at the woman that her drug-dealing boyfriend was no where near as important as her son.

A knock at her office door broke her out of her thought process. Madelyn looked up, wiped under her eyes quickly, and the tendrils of hair that had fallen back behind her ears. And there she was once again, the strong Madelyn Reagan that her office was familiar with, the woman who would fight late into the night to ensure children's safety while staying calm and collected. Madelyn was human, though, and the tough cases upset her deeply, just like they would have anyone else.

"Danny?" _What was he doing here?_ Madelyn looked him up and down quickly, assessing if this was a visit that would end in heartbreak, just like the day Joe died.

"Hey, kid. Need your help on a case." His eyes twinkled a bit when he saw the relief come across his sister's face. _A worrier, that one_ ; she had reason to be.

Madelyn looked at her desk and all she had to accomplish today, but after seeing Chaz's home today, she knew she could use a distraction. Taking a deep breath, she sat up straighter. "Anything for you, big brother," she replied, a giant, forced smile on her face.

"Mads, if you wanted Linda's apple cake at dinner on Sunday, all you had to do was ask," Danny noted sarcastically.

Madelyn smiled brightly, knowing that he would've caught onto her overly sweet disposition. "I would help you anyway," Danny rolled his eyes, smiling, "But since you mentioned it, I'll absolutely take some apple cake for all of my hard work."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Let's see if you're actually helpful first, ya goof." Danny pulled out the case file, handing it to his little sister. "Let's get started. I want you to read over the case before I tell you about it, just to see what you think is going on in this family. I have to say, it's crazy what I've seen the past two days. Was hoping the resident social worker would have some insights."

Madelyn beamed internally at the reminder that she had a place in the family business, even if she wasn't a cop. Her family had of course been supportive when she decided to get her Masters in Social Work, but there had been a lingering insecurity that she didn't belong, especially since Jamie started the Academy. Luckily, Erin had sat her little sister down, talked some sense into her, and told her she was no less of a Reagan because of her choice in profession. Madelyn felt settled in that moment, and she knew the homemade margarita Erin had handed her the moment she showed up to her apartment was helping.

"Alright, let's see what we've got." Madelyn skimmed the file, eyebrows furrowing the more pages she turned. "This is…."

"Yup."

"And the kid was living in the apartment alone for a month? A ten year old?"

"Yup."

"What the hell, Danny? How was this not reported?" Madelyn read down the page further, anger simmering in her. No child deserved to feel unloved and neglected, but to have to fend for themselves for a month? Madelyn looked up at her brother. "What can I do?"


	2. Chapter 2

_I do not own any Blue Bloods characters or scenes from the show. The character of Madelyn is my own._

 _._

Two nights later, the Reagan family dinner table was a lively affair. Erin and Danny were going at it about a case they were both on, the kids were interjecting with questions, and Dad was observing as Pop chimed in when he could. Overall, an average Sunday dinner. Except that on Erin's right, Jamie and Madelyn were quiet. Jamie, because he didn't want to be involved in the bickering, and Madelyn because she was stuck in her own head.

She heard her family talking around her, but her mind was elsewhere; with Chaz. The boy had been removed from his home the previous day, and it had been Madelyn that had to put through the request. It was necessary for Chaz's health and safety, but seeing the anguish on the child's face as he was separated from his mother broke her heart. Now Chaz was in a foster home, probably scared out of his mind, and she had all of this in front of her: her wonderfully dysfunctional family that she wouldn't replace for the world. And that made Madelyn angry; angry because an innocent child couldn't have the same; angry because no matter how hard she worked, sometimes it wasn't good enough; angry because she knew she was luckier than Chaz, but even so she couldn't help but miss her mom and Joe. Compared to Chaz, she had no right to complain, but today's sermon on the importance of family connections struck her harder than she had expected, and now her brain was on a never-ending rollercoaster of thoughts.

"Madelyn, what about you? How was work this week?" Dad asked, trying to de-escalate the tension at the table.

Madelyn's head shot up in surprise as the fog cleared. "Um, yeah it was okay. Nothing too exciting."

"Is that why you still have a full plate when everyone else is almost ready for dessert?" Danny asked as Linda elbowed him in the side.

"What? It's true." Linda rolled her eyes at her husband; he never ceased to amaze her with his bedside manner.

"Alright, Detective, you caught me," she replied, a slight attitude to her tone, "It's been a tough week and a tough day and I'm just really for it to be over." The words felt true in her bones. She needed some time alone.

"We've all been there, Mads. Hopefully tomorrow is better," Erin said lightly, trying to support her sister. Madelyn shot her sister a grateful look.

"But Aunt Maddie, don't you help people? Wouldn't that make you happy?" Sean inquired.

Madelyn took a deep breath, letting a bit of her tension go as she went to answer her young nephew. "I do help people, Sean, you're right. But sometimes the people I help are coming from really bad places in life, and it's very hard to see. Sometimes it gets to me, but I always keep working hard to make sure that kids in this city are safe okay? I'm just having an off day. Maybe some of the apple cake I was promised would help," she said, tilting her head and making eye contact with Danny.

"I'm on it, I'm on it," Danny said, getting up from the table.

Madelyn smirked when Nicky started giggling next to her. The women in the family knew that Madelyn had more influence on the men than the rest of them. She was the baby, the one to protect, even though she was fierce in her own right. After twenty eight years, she just decided to roll with the punches and use the extra attention to her advantage when she could, like right now.

"Thanks, Danny." The relief and sincerity in his baby sister's voice did not go unnoticed by the detective or the young officer to her right. Jamie made a mental note to stop by Madelyn's apartment after dinner to check in. He knew better than anyone that she liked to have her space, but sometimes the kid needed support even if she didn't realize it.

By the time the apple cake was devoured and the dishes were done, it was 8pm and the Reagans were set to disperse. While Danny and Linda had already left with the boys, Nicky had talked Pop, Jamie, and Madelyn into a poker game, while Erin spoke quietly with Dad about her case.

"Alright, I'm leaving. No fourteen year old should be this good at poker," Madelyn said as she stood to get her coat, ruffling Nicky's hair.

"Sorry Aunt Maddie, maybe next time!" Nicky responded with a knowing smile. "Or not…"

Jamie chuckled at the interaction, and Pop agreed with Madelyn. "Your aunt is right, whoever taught you to play really knew what they were doing."

"It was you, Pop!" Nicky replied, laughing. Henry's eyes twinkled. "Well I suppose so."

As Madelyn headed for the front door after bidding goodbye to her father and sister, she saw Jamie doing the same. "Ready for another week on the beat?"

He smiled, "I know you think I'm nuts sometimes, but I do love being a beat cop. The coffee, though…"

"Oof, yeah I don't know how you survive after all of those fancy coffee shops at Harvard. Must be a real blow."

Jamie rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah laugh it up. How do you feel about movie and beer? I'll even let you pick the movie."

Madelyn flipped her hair outside of her coat, zipping up the front. She loved Jamie, he was her best friend, but she needed space. Yes, maybe that space would involve a lot of crying, hiding under a blanket on her couch, but Madelyn was worn down and needed that cry. Tonight it would be about Chaz, Joe, and Mom.

"Maybe later this week, J? I'm tired and just want to go to bed," she replied, as lightly as possible in an attempt to ward off any of her brother's suspicions.

"Come on, we haven't hung out just us in a while because we've both been so busy. I miss my kid sister, sue me."

Madelyn thought about keeping up her façade, but she was too tired. "Jamie…I just need to be alone, ok?" Her voice was soft, her eyes pleading.

"I know, and that's why I'm not going to let you be. Mads, whatever it is you're dealing with right now, something tells me that it would be better for you to not be alone. How 'bout this? We go back, do whatever you want to do, and I'll just be there for you."

Madelyn felt a deep sense of relief; she wasn't alone…even though she had wanted to be. A feeling of love and gratitude for Jamie settled in her, and she moved on it, hugging Jamie tightly around his middle, her left cheek settling on his chest. He held her tightly, her head cradled in his hand.

"Ok, let's go, you're on," Madelyn said, letting go of Jamie and opening the front door, "but you're buying me Sour Patch Watermelon too." Jamie rolled his eyes.

 **xxxxxxxxxxx**

Fight Club played on the TV as Madelyn and Jamie settled on the couch, Madelyn in sweats, both with beers in tow. Halfway through the film, Jamie felt a weight at his side; Madelyn had curled up next to his right arm. _Proof that I was right and it was better for her not be alone._ Jamie slid his arm around her shoulder, and she settled in this new position, watching the movie carefully _because it was one of the best, thank you very much._

Fight Club had been Joe's favorite movie, and the moment he saw it in theaters, he corrupted his baby sister into loving it too…even though she was only ten at the time. Mary had been more than displeased with that development, but Madelyn smiled at the memory. Joe had taken her to the movies, they dumped their candy into the popcorn cup and mixed it all together, and he had given her a piggy back ride all the way home. Then, yes, she did have nightmares for a week, but it had been totally worth it to spend some quality time with her big brother who was often very busy. And now, as she watched it with Jamie, two years after Joe's death, the pain still felt as fresh as it was years ago.

Madelyn felt the tears well in her eyes, the tightening in her throat; her nails were digging into her palms. She didn't want to burden Jamie with her pain, she knew how much he missed Joe. Madelyn preferred to suffer in silence rather than hurt Jamie; she might be the youngest, but she was just as fiercely protective as her other siblings.

Jamie felt his sister stiffen beside him, and when he sneakily glanced down, he saw the red marks on her hands. _Damn kid was holding her pain in, and hurting herself physically in the process_. Jamie felt helpless. He had an idea what was running through his sister's head. With all she dealt with at work, thinking of family was only natural, and remembering who was missing was inevitable. Maybe he couldn't fix the situation or take away her pain, but he could talk until she was ready to talk back.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Joe got into a fight in high school?"

 _Saint Joe got into a fight? Oh this outta be good._ A brief smile appeared on Madelyn's face. "Tell me everything."

Jamie mentally high fived himself.

"So this kid, Randy Dabrino, was hitting on Erin in the cafeteria. This was when Joe and Erin overlapped in school. So Freshman Joe sees this happening, and let's Erin handle it herself, because we all know how she is. Then out of nowhere, Randy grabs her and starts trying to kiss her, and Joe could see from when they were talking that she didn't even want to be having the conversation, let alone kissing the guy. So he ran up, clocked Dabrino straight in the face, took the kid's chocolate chip cookies, and walks away."

Madelyn could picture the scene perfectly and she started giggling. Little blonde Joe, stealing this guy's cookies after defending his big sister. She loved it.

"That's the best story ever, J." Madelyn said, still laughing. And it was, but the heaviness of it also settled over her. That person, that goofball, was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

In between her next laugh and an inhale, Madelyn let out a choked sob that Jamie had guessed was coming. He tightened his grip around his sister as tears pricked at his own eyes; he used his free hand to run his hand down his face; _get it together Jamison, she needs you._

"I would give anything to talk to Joe again; anything," Madelyn said hoarsely. She could feel her heart pounding, the tidal wave of tears ready to fall, but she couldn't let them. If she broke, it would hurt like hell, and Jamie would suffer too. What kind of sister would she be then?

"Me too, Mads. I miss him everyday. There's always stuff happening on the job and I wanna pick up the phone and tell Joe about it, get his take, but I can't…and it kills me."

Madelyn's heart sunk even further. _Her poor brother._ She squeezed him tighter, knowing there was nothing else to be done.

"Do you need to get home to Sydney?" Madelyn asked, referring to her brother's fiancé. _Please say no, please say no._

"Nah, she's with her parents tonight. We can just sit here and wallow." And that's how Madelyn and Jamie spent the rest of the night: trading stories about Joe, tearing up, holding it back, sobbing, and comforting each other. When they both finally fell asleep around 11:00pm, both felt, without the other knowing, that a small weight had been removed from their shoulders. _Sometimes_ , Madelyn mused the next morning, _you needed to run through the storm to get to the sunshine_.


	3. Chapter 3

_I do not own any Blue Bloods characters or scenes from the show. The character of Madelyn is my own._

 **Xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"Well, you look like hell."

Madelyn rolled her eyes at Bea, her best friend since 7th grade. They were getting breakfast at the diner on Madelyn's street before work that Monday morning, and Bea being Bea had to point out the obvious.

"Just for that, you owe me extra bacon," Madelyn responded, pointing her fork at Bea.

"I'll cover your bacon addiction if you tell me what's up." Bea pushed her dark bangs away from her eyes, making sure her best friend knew she was serious.

Madelyn quickly debated. She wasn't the most emotionally forthcoming person out there, but she knew Bea well enough to know she wouldn't let it go…and there _was_ bacon in it for her.

"Just…you know that kid I told you about?"

"Mhm, yeah. You had to put him in the system right? That's rough."

"You should've seen the kid, B. He was totally heartbroken, even though his mother neglects him," she paused, playing with the remaining potatoes on her plate, "I miss my mom. And Joe. I'm so lucky to have my family and seeing this kid reminds of that, but I don't know. It also reminds me of who I lost. As if I don't notice it enough already."

The tough fashion magazine editor who was revered and feared in her office wouldn't have been recognizable in that moment to her work colleagues and subordinates. Her face was one of sympathy, empathy, and pain. Bea was as close to a Reagan as a non-Reagan could get, and she still felt the bruise of losing Joe and Mary; she couldn't imagine how her best friend felt.

"Can I get you anything else?" The waitress said, ready to clear the table.

"Could we get another plate of bacon? And two chocolate donuts? And maybe a pancake…"

"Bea!" Madelyn chuckled slightly, knowing her friend was trying to comfort her with food.

"What? Come on. I can't fix the rest of the world for you but I can give you a damn good breakfast."

"Bacon and donuts it is, then," Madelyn said to the waitress. "Thanks so much."

Once the waitress was gone, Bea turned back to Madelyn. "Maddie I can't fix this and I can't bring them back. I do know that you have an incredible life and they'd want you to live it…not spend the night crying with Jamie," she said, wirly.

"I knew it was too convenient that you wanted to have breakfast this morning. You're normally too busy to even eat half a croissant." Oh Jamie, ever the protector.

"Yeah well, Jamie texted me to check on you and I wanted bacon, so win-win."

"I'll be ok Bea. It was just a rough few days."

"Maybe, but tonight we're going out, getting drinks, and hanging out with hot male models that are coming into the office today." The decision was made, and Bea was already halfway through typing a text message, her manicured nails tapping against her phone screen.

"B…come on."

Bea rolled her eyes. "That was weak. If you really didn't want to go, you'd actually put up a fight."

"….okay fine, that's true. Just don't tell Jamie about this part when you give him the recap, would ya? I don't need Big Brother Patrol on my case."

Bea threw her head back, laughing. "Oh my gosh! I forgot about Big Brother Patrol. What were we, thirteen when you started calling them that?"

"They deserved it and you know it," Madelyn responded, laughing.

 ** _FLASHBACK_**

"Come on, Joe, it's just going to the movies with Ricky. It's not a date!"

"Kid, you're a 13 year old girl going to the movies alone with a boy who clearly likes ya; it's a date."

Madelyn huffed. Ok maybe it was a date…and maybe she wanted it to be, but she didn't want her older brothers giving her a hard time. They often treated her as if she was encased in glass, and while she loved them for it, it was time for them to let her grow up.

Pushing her brown side-swept bangs off her face, Madelyn narrowed her eyes at 18 year old Joe.

"Mom and Dad said it was ok for me to go so I'm going, and there's nothing you can do to stop me." _Ha! Can't stop me, Joey!_

Joe smirked, an eyebrow raised. _She's so cute all riled up._

"Alright fine, but don't say I didn't warn you," he responded, a smile on his face. Madelyn probably thought he meant warning her about the date, but Joe was thinking of the plan he, Danny, and Jamie made for later tonight. They would never let anything happen to their baby sister, and if that meant following her on a date…well then, it's all in the job description, right?

Later that night, Madelyn and Ricky were standing in the line inside the theater waiting to buy snacks for the movie. Ricky smiled at her, and she felt her heart rate increase. The boy she'd had a crush on for what seemed like years, and was only two months, had finally asked her on a date; the night was perfect.

"So I'm thinking we get a bucket of popcorn, a thing of M&Ms, and pour the M&Ms into the popcorn," Ricky stated with a lopsided smile.

Madelyn's eyes lit up in excitement. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Ricky laughed, taking her hand in his. Madelyn looked up at him with a shy smile, his brown eyes reflecting that same shyness back at her.

"I'm really glad we're doing this, ya know."

"Me too, Ricky." She squeezed his hand as they moved to the front of the line.

Meanwhile, twenty-four year old Danny, eighteen year old Joe, and fifteen year old Jamie stood on the opposite side of the theater lobby in wait, clad in baseball caps, sunglasses, and clothes they hoped their sister wouldn't recognize.

"Who does that kid think he is, holding her hand like that?" Danny huffed. _No one touches my baby sister. It's not rocket science._

"Danny, it's just an innocent date. Why are we even here?" Jamie said, voicing his concern and practicality.

Danny and Joe looked at each other and rolled their eyes simultaneously. Sometimes, Jamie was too…good.

"Kid, there ain't no way I survived Fallujah just to come back here and see this dingbat make moves on Mads. No thirteen year old boy is innocent and we're here to make sure it stays kosher."

Jamie's stomach sunk at Danny's casual mention of his time in the Marines, something that had caused him substantial anxiety over the years. _Did Danny mention being overseas to make me feel guilty? Because it worked. I missed him and he knows it, the brat_.

"Besides, we're just casually hanging out and seeing a movie, and if we so happen to watch out for the baby, then that's perfectly okay, right Jamie?" Joe asked, trying to keep the peace. _We can't fight in public, then that will be the least of our problems_.

"Alright fine, just don't be weird. Who do you two think you are? The Blues Brothers? Take off those sunglasses, geez."

"Oh come on, Jamie. Live a little!" Danny replied, ruffling his brother's hair.

"Wait, wait! They're going in. We gotta move." Joe led the pack, soon to be known as Big Brother Patrol because of what was about to go down.

The movie ended, and Ricky and Madelyn stood in front of the theater waiting for their respective rides. Their hands hadn't separated all night, even though Madelyn worried her sweaty palms would drive the boy away.

"Hey Maddie?"

"Yeah?"

Ricky paused, trying not to seem as nervous as he actually was. "Can I kiss you?"

 _Oh. My. Gosh. Ricky wants to kiss me! Yes. But wait…does my breath smell? I don't even remember what Erin said about how to kiss, now. Oh crap._

Madelyn nodded shakily, trying to ignore her inner monologue. Smiling in response, Ricky leaned his face to hers, gently pecking her on the lips as both of their eyes closed.

Two things happened at once: Madelyn felt tingly and happy, grinning up at Ricky…and then an arm was around her separating her from her crush.

"And that's all for tonight folks. Madelyn, go with Jamie to the car. Ricky? Nice meeting ya, kid. Next time, don't kiss my sister."

As angry as Madelyn was in the moment, Ricky was equally as embarrassed. "Uh…sorry…Maddie, I'll see you at school, okay?" And he was gone. Madelyn later wondered if he'd ever actually been there in the first place.

With fury her brothers had never seen before, she spun towards them, tears in her eyes. _DID THEY ACTUALLY JUST DO THAT? They ruined it. My first date, this perfect night. He's gone and probably thinks I'm a freak and wants nothing to do with me._

"Are you kidding me? It was a kiss, not a marriage proposal! What the hell is wrong with the three of you?"

"She looks like Mom when she's this mad. Doesn't she look like Mom?" Danny whispered towards his younger brothers. Joe nodded, while Jamie face-palmed himself.

"Don't joke, Danny! I really like this guy and you just made me look like such an idiot! I didn't do anything wrong. Mom and Dad said it was okay and all we did was go to the movies! Now he probably hates me…" A tear rolled down Madelyn's cheek; she quickly wiped it away angrily, not wanting to seem weak in front of her brothers.

Jamie moved forward to hug her. "No! You don't get to try and be nice, Jamie! You were in on it! Ugh, when I tell Mom what you did, you'll all be doing chores til the end of time."

"Maddie, we just wanted to protect you. You're only thirteen!" Joe tried to reason with her.

In the sassiest way possible, Madelyn crossed her arms and tilted her head to the side. "Well listen here, Big Brother Patrol. I can take care of myself. You owe me a month's worth of chocolate donuts from down the street, or else."

All three Reagan boys smiled internally. Yes, Madelyn was angry. Yes, she was slightly intimidating when she got this angry, but most of all, they thought it was an adorable sight and readily agreed to her donut request…simultaneously praying that their baby sister didn't end up ratting them out to their parents. Sunday dinner dishes for weeks on end was a gruesome thought.

 ** _END FLASHBACK_**

"That donut request was genius. I got donuts for weeks because your brothers kept bribing me to get you to talk to them," Bea said, chuckling.

Madelyn rolled her eyes, her lips lifting into a smile. "Yeah, well, they deserved more the silent treatment. They're lucky I didn't tell my mom. She would've smacked them upside the head."

"And I would've helped." Bea looked down at her watch. "Crap, sorry Mads, I gotta go. I'll see you tonight though! I'll text you the address."

Bea threw money down on the table, packed up her stuff, and just before running out of the diner she turned to Madelyn. "And hey, remember to look hot tonight! Male models, yum!"

Madelyn chuckled, "On it, boss."

Life was always interesting with Bea, and Madelyn couldn't have been anymore thankful for her best friend.


	4. Chapter 4

"So we can't have dinner because Bea is taking you to hang out with male models?" Madelyn heard the smile in her older sister's voice as she straightened out the mountain of papers on her desk.

"Ugh yes! I know how it sounds, but you know Bea. Maybe I'll have fun?"

Erin giggled on the other end of the line, holding the phone to hear ear as she finished a report in her office. Only her sister's best friend could get them into such a situation.

"I'm sure you will, Mads. Besides, it'll make for a good story. And who knows? One could be your future husband."

Madelyn sighed, rolling her eyes. "Is that a thinly veiled attempt at telling me to get back on the dating scene? Cause if it is…pot, kettle, black."

"No it wasn't…okay maybe. I just want you to be happy, and obviously you don't need a boyfriend for that. It's just been some time since Elliot and I just want to make sure you're not holding yourself back from anything."

"So what I'm hearing is that you want me to go out with these male models, sleep with one, trap him into being my husband, and live happily ever after?"

"Oh ha ha. You know what I meant." And Madelyn did. She knew her big sister was only looking out for her, hoping that Madelyn's tango with heartbreak was finally behind her. Erin was the only one who knew the extent of what happened with Elliot; she couldn't even bring herself to tell Jamie.

"I know. And listen, I've moved on from him, but I don't know if I'm ready for something anyway. I just…well yeah," Madelyn responded, holding back because she didn't want her sister to psychoanalyze her.

What she wanted to say is she wasn't ready to open up and inevitably be hurt. After everything – her mom and grandma, Joe, what Elliot did…well, she just felt like she didn't have much left to give when odds were, the man would break her heart. It was easier not to venture into that territory, just like it was easier not to say anything to Erin. Madelyn loved her life – her friends and family, even her job; she didn't feel the need to risk pain when she already had a lot going for her.

"Ok fair enough. I have to go, but definitely let me know how tonight goes. And don't worry, my lips are sealed on this one. You don't need to be spotlighted at Sunday dinner because of two over-protective brothers."

Madelyn sighed in relief. "You're my favorite sister, ya know that?"

"I'm your only sister."

"Erin? Can you hear me? Wha – can't – there? Talk – later!"

And Madelyn was gone. Erin internally cursed Danny for teaching her that one as a kid.

A knock on Madelyn's apartment door brought her out of her intense focus on the television. Her guilty pleasure was on – The Bachelor – and some crazy drama had just gone down. Clicking the TV off, she downed the last bit of her iced coffee and went to open the door.

"Hey, girl! Surprise!" There Bea stood with three men that could all be named Adonis, showing them off like she was Vana White…with the addition of spirit fingers.

Though she had been expecting them, Madelyn hadn't been expecting _this_.

 _Does one bow in front of Greek Gods, or….crap, you're staring. Get it together, Maddie._

"Hi, I'm Madelyn, nice to meet you."

Bea rolled her eyes at her polite best friend. "That's Tommy, Evan, and AJ," she clapped her hands together, "Great, now that we're all pals, let's get the night started!"

Bea led the group out of Madelyn's hallway, as Madelyn quickly followed and locked her door. Tommy, at least she thought it was Tommy, waited for her.

"So your friend has…a lot of energy."

Madelyn snorted, "That's an understatement. But it'll make tonight fun, for sure."

"Well when Bea said she had a cute friend, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to meet her," Tommy replied, with a smirk.

Knowing nothing would ever happen between them, Madelyn smiled confidently back at Tommy. Sure, she had been flustered before, but that was just for a second after meeting the extremely good looking models. Madelyn really only got nervous around guys if she liked them. Otherwise? Well, they were no threat, and flirting was harmless.

"What, like I was going to say no to going out with male models?" Tommy smiled in response as Madelyn continued, "That, and I'm pretty sure Bea would've showed up with you here no matter what I said. Better you see me like this then in my rubber ducky robe."

Tommy threw his head back and laughed, picturing the tiny spit-fire in a rubber ducky print robe. "You know, let's go back. I can't take you out in good conscience when I know you could be wearing that."

Madelyn chuckled as she stepped outside and the cool Fall air blew her hair around. "Maybe next time, Tommy-boy."

"Maybe next time what?" Bea had circled back to the two of them, jumping into the conversation, as was her habit. The group carried on walking to the popular bar a few blocks away.

"Maddie here was just telling me that it's so unfortunate you wouldn't let her wear her rubber ducky robe out tonight," Tommy said, smirking, "What kind of friend are you, girl?"

Bea rolled her eyes, smiling slightly. "Honey, if I let Maddie out in that robe every time she wanted to, she would end up a nun by thirty."

"Hey!" _Ok maybe I like my robe and my pajamas..and sometimes my coworkers call me 'Grandma' but that doesn't mean I'd be a nun…_

"Mads, you know it's true. That's why I'm here. To make sure you act your age and get all wild sometimes!"

Madelyn tucked her hair behind her ear as she laughed at her goofball of a friend, knowing she was completely serious.

"And here's our first destination folks," Bea said, stopping the group in front of a dimly lit bar-style club with loud pop music and an insanely long line.

 _Thank God Bea knows people. If I had to wait in that line, I'd be grabbing pizza across the street while the hot guys held my place._ Madelyn rolled her eyes at her own thoughts. _That's the most me thing I've ever said…maybe not, but close….did I actually tell the male model about my robe? Yikes._

When the two best friends and three male models entered the club, they were greeted by Bea's contact, brought to a table, and promptly served tequila shots.

"Well, here's to tonight, babes. Cheers!" The group clinked their shot glasses, spilling tequila, but not enough to lessen the effects of the shots, Madelyn noticed. It was still a large shot that took two full gulps and a large lime slice.

Madelyn squeezed her eyes shut instinctively, sucking on the lime, waiting for the tequila taste to fade. _Club tequila –free or not – not great. Nope. Will I do another three shots? Probably. I may be a Grandma, but what the heck, I'm already out!_

In what could have been a Rom-Com bar sequence that spanned hours but took only a minute to show, the group drank more, danced more, and laughed more. Madelyn was sweating on the dance floor, dancing to some 90s song that was remixed by the D.J. _I needed this. Wayyyyyyyy bad. I'm drunk. Oops. But I did. B is a good friend. I'm not sad anymore._

Tommy grabbed her hand, twirling her around as the song concluded, the whole group laughing as he did. Madelyn grinned at him, giving him a small mock courtesy. One of the other models, AJ, had his arm around a wobbling Bea, who looked very pleased at the prospect. "Mads! AJ is gonna walk me home! Wanna come?"

Madelyn knew Bea's request was genuine – her best friend really would turn down the chance to hook up with the model to make sure she was ok. It was a sweet gesture, but at that moment in her drunken-haze, Madelyn was just fine with the idea of going home alone. _She should go have fun with AJ! I'm super fine. And he's SUPER hot._

"No, I'm ok! I'll get a cab later. You guys go have fun," Madelyn replied, with a bold wink that the sober version of her would have thought twice about. AJ and Bea did have the decency to blush at least a little, before holding hands and exiting the club together. Peter had already left, leaving Madelyn and Tommy on the dance floor.

"One more drink and then we go?" Madelyn asked, heading towards the VIP section.

Tommy grabbed her arm gently to steady her. "I think you've had enough, Maddie. I'll walk you home so you can get some sleep. Can't have the princess turn back into a pumpkin, or whatever," he said, his face screwing up slightly as he heard what he said out loud.

Madelyn giggled, and took his other hand, pulling him out of the club. "Ok ok here we are. We made it outside and I'm not a pumpkin!" She continued to chuckle to herself, clearly finding her own joke much funnier than she would if she was sober.

"Let's get you home, Princess." Tommy held her hand as he tried to flag down a cab. Madelyn's glazed eyes looked up at him as he did so. _I know I shouldn't make out with him. But he's CAAHHHUTE. Maybe I'll flip a coin when we get back to my apartment. Heads – I kiss him; Tails – I kiss him twice! HAHAH._

Just as a cab swerved to the side of the road the two were standing on, Maddie said, "Just so you know, if I kiss you, it's only gonna be a kiss, alright? I'm classy."

Tommy raised his eyebrows, chuckling slightly. "Already making Princess demands, are we? Someone adapted to the role quickly." He gave a slight bow, indicating her fake royal status, and simultaneously helping her into the cab.

As he went to shut the door, Madelyn propped it open with her hand. "Aren't you coming?"

"Sorry, sweetcheeks. We both know if I come with you, you'll do something you really don't want to do. I'd rather remember tonight with my magical Princess just as it is now."

Madelyn humphed, sitting back in the seat. "Ohhhhkayyyyy. Fine. Nice to meet you, Tommy-boy," she replied.

"You too, your Highness." With that, Tommy closed the cab door and the cab took off. Madelyn gave the cab driver her address and watched as the tall buildings and bright lights passed by. After paying the cab driver, Madelyn fumbled her keys, giggled to herself, and managed to open the door to her apartment. _Hey, if I can get into the apartment, I'm all set. A successful night._

Madelyn hopped on one foot, then the other, taking off the heels that she was certain left blisters as she made her way to her bedroom. After digging through her drawers to find sweatpants and an old tshirt, she looked down at her feet again, spotting the blisters this time. "Whatever. Blisters are worth it to be normal for one night," she stated aloud.

 _Normal? HA I'm normal. I gotta tell Jamie._ Picking up her phone, she quickly called Jamie, knowing and ignoring the fact that it was 1am.

" 'lo? Mads, what's wrong?"

"AY Jamayyyy! Guess what?"

Madelyn could practically hear Jamie roll his eyes through the phone, as she actually did hear him strongly exhale.

"How many drinks did you have, kiddo?"

Madelyn frowned. "Jamie! You didn't guess! It's fine, I'll tell you. I had a normal night, bro! I went out, I did lots of shots, and I danced. Some guy even tried to grind on me but Tommy said 'no way, Jose.' It was so normal. No being sad or anything."

As Madelyn waited for Jamie to return her excitement, Jamie looked up at the ceiling in his bedroom, feeling defeated over his sister's words. The fact that she had to get drunk to feel normal crushed him. Jamie knew that his sister was fine most of the time – good and happy even. It was her current case that threw her for a loop, and brought back the anguish he prayed she had left behind.

"Helloooo! Jamie! I'm waiting for my phone high-five here!" _Doesn't he understand what I accomplished?!_

Jamie snorted. "Go to bed, Mads. Put out some water and Advil for tomorrow morning, okay?"

Madelyn snuggled under her blanket, following her brother's instructions. The water and Advil would have to wait until the morning, because the room had started spinning for the youngest Reagan.

"Jamie, the room started spinning so I'm gonna go," Madelyn stated, hanging up the call before her older brother had a chance to reply.

By the time Jamie fired off a text to his sister, Madelyn was already asleep – the lights in her bedroom still on, face unwashed, and phone resting next to her head.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 _I changed up the storyline and how Joe died. Just a bit of a creative twist to work best with my character._

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Flames licked her face, taunting her with their intense heat and power. All she could see was a mix of orange and yellow hues in front of her, the feeling of dread washing over her. The flames themselves were like works of art, flowing with ferocity. Had it not been for her immense terror, Madelyn would have found it all quite beautiful.

"Joe!" Madelyn heard herself scream, anguished. It was like watching a movie, but feeling it all happen at the same time. The dark pit in her stomach grew as the flames continued to surround her.

"Joe! Joey! Where are you!" Sweat poured down her face. She continued to scream.

And there he was, standing in front of her, reaching his hand out from the driver's seat of his car. Joe's face held pure, unadulterated fear. He tried to reach for her, Madelyn saw, and she did everything she could to reach back, but their hands wouldn't connect. Madelyn could feel the strain in her right shoulder as she almost slipped it out of its socket to reach her big brother. Her feet were frozen – with fear or with concrete, she couldn't tell.

"Maddie- help!" Raw pain was all she heard.

And then he was gone. Instantly, once again, just flames were in front of her, and she yelled out for her brother with no response.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Eyes wide, body shaking, Madelyn woke up in an instant. All she could feel was heat and claustrophobia, her blanket trapping her just as the flames had.

"No…no! Get off! I- Get off!" Madelyn struggled to untangle herself from the blanket, talking to it as she was still in between dream and awake. The weight of her dream crushed her chest, and she could feel herself start to hyperventilate. _I couldn't save him. I couldn't save him. My fault._

"Mads, did you want coff – hey, hey what's going on?" Madelyn blinked and Danny was at her side, the younger of the two not questioning his presence at her apartment on a Tuesday morning.

"Fire – Joe – he- I. Dammit." Clutching the blanket in her hands, Madelyn felt the tears well in her eyes. She couldn't get the words out, and on top of the nightmare she had just had, it was enough to push her far beyond and way over the edge. _I can't. I can't. Can't breathe._

Danny embraced his baby sister tightly, sitting down next to her on the bed. As the tears turned into sobs, and the hyperventilating continued with the heavy rise and fall of her chest, Danny sat there – helpless. He knew exactly what his sister had dreamt of – their brother's death. Right outside of Joe's apartment, and right in front of Madelyn, his car blew up as he entered it to get a jacket he had forgotten. One minute the skies were blue, the next, they were black with smoke. The Paramedics said that Madelyn had been facing the other direction and then was knocked out by the blast, thankfully shielding her from the awful sight. _The only saving grace,_ Danny had thought back then, _she didn't see it – she didn't know._

The immediate trepidation Madelyn had felt the previous week when Danny unexpectedly showed up to her office was warranted – but not because that was how she found out about her older brother. The few times a family member had showed up to work, someone had been injured in the line of duty. The day before Joe died, he had been involved in a shoot out that left him with a concussion. Linda had stopped by to tell her in person. If only that was the worst thing they would have had to deal with in that 24 hours.

"Ok, ok it's alright. I'm here." All Danny could do was hold her and pet her hair down as she shook. "Maddie, I know it's hard but I need you to breathe for me, alright? Just take a deep breath. Do it with me," he said, inhaling and exhaling.

 _Can't, no. Can't._ Madelyn shook her head, her matted hair staying where it was as she tried to communicate her inability to truly breathe and be calm.

Madelyn felt Danny take her hand and put it on his chest. "Mads, you can't keep breathing like that or you're gonna pass out. Can you count my heartbeats for me, kiddo? Make sure I'm workin' ok?" Normally, Madelyn would've elbowed him for the joke, but in that moment, she tried her best to concentrate on his heartbeat. _1, 2, 3…34, 35._

Danny sighed with relief as Madelyn's breathing slowed, though she was still crying lightly. _Poor kid. My poor baby sister._ The generally stoic eldest Reagan pushed down his pain, stowed it, and locked it up tightly. _Not the time_ , _Danny._

Still grasping Danny's shirt for all it was worth, Madelyn spoke softly, "I couldn't get to him. Couldn't save him."

And Danny thought his heart couldn't sink any lower. _The kid blames herself._ "It was just a dream, kid. Even so, it wasn't your fault, you know that."

Madelyn nodded into Danny's chest. _I know. Still hurts._

Finally realizing who was holding her, Madelyn pulled away and looked up at her oldest brother. "Wh-What are you doing here on a Tuesday morning?"

Danny gave her a wry smile. "Well, I heard from one of my buddies that was out on patrol last night that my favorite kid sister was out partying with some B-list male models. Figured Bea had something to do with it. Also knew you'd stay in bed all day since it's your day off, and I happened to be in the neighborhood."

Madelyn cracked a small grin, lightening Danny's heart a bit. "If that's your story," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Ow, Jeez," Madelyn said instantly, her hand going to her head. The eye roll had brought her headache to her attention. _Am I hungover or am I hungover? Yikes._

"Come on, I brought you coffee and a donut. Knew you'd need some help this morning."

Madelyn stood, stretching and followed her brother into her living room, where a surprise besides a donut sat. Madelyn rolled her eyes…again regretting it. _Gotta remember to stop doing that, even if those boys deserve it._

"Yeah, buddies on patrol my ass, Danny."

"Ok, so maybe the kid called me and told me about your phone call last night," Danny replied, handing his sister her coffee, "But still. Gotta hear about these models."

Madelyn sat on her couch, curling up next to Jamie. "They were nice, friendly, and nothing happened, _Dad._ "

"No, but a guy tried to 'grind' on her and Tommy said 'no way, Jose,'" Jamie said, laughing.

Madelyn cringed, trying to remember exactly what she had told Jamie last night. She had bits and pieces- feeling happy about her night out, feeling dizzy, and something about normal…and Joey?

Danny raised his eyebrows, muttering, "Good thing it didn't happen. My gun can stay holstered for today."

Had she not had a headache, Madelyn would have rolled her eyes for the third time that morning. Her brothers would never understand that she was in her late twenties – a perfectly capable and independent adult who made good choices when it came to men. _Well, they'll never know about Elliot so that will be true._

The siblings sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking coffee and watching the news that Jamie had turned on. In that silence, Madelyn started to perk up more, her brain finally functioning. She realized that yes, it was nice her brothers had brought her coffee, but is that all they were really here for – besides getting the scoop on the models? _No, they're here because they're concerned. Crying with Jamie, that drunk dial…and oh crap, that nightmare Danny just witnessed. Here we go…"_


End file.
